Health and safety issues have again arisen from people laughing too much at Cafe Hopcott leading to an urgent review of the customers and staff suggestion box to identify areas of levity reduction."I laughed so much I would have wet myself but the dachshund got there first!"Such praise is high indeed and all the staff of Cafe Hopcott should be congratulated for their diligence to their duties - many more similar comments were received, including praise for the state of the art swimming pool (see above) but, for now, blushes will be spared.
"I couldn't believe how bad the service was - they should be in the Guinness Book of records!"
"Toilets in the bushes! What a scream! So innovative, especially in winter when there are no leaves! "
"Proud to win the Never Cleaned Toilets Award! I couldn't believe it!"
However, whilst recognising Cafe Hopcott is approaching perfection in its haphazard delivery of services, it is believed there is always room for improvement!
A subsequent survey to identify groups of people who could be invited to Cafe Hopcott suggested the following potential visitor weekends:
Prehistoric cave artists convention - financed out of archaeological grants.Whilst these ideas are startlingly innovative and a major contribution to research for the 'ultimate visitor experience' at Cafe Hopcott, it has been decided, by a majority of one (votes recorded, one), to invite further suggestions.
Cross dressing weekend - girls blouses needed for visiting Vikings.
Health farm weekend - ensure supply of death by chocolate cake
Newly released convicts weekend - new high demand anticipated following recent Governmental indiscriminate release policy (for public safety) - ensure tables are neatly lined up and walking area restricted for maximum customer satisfaction.
Parents rebellion weekend - special graffiti area required and startup messages to get the ball rolling such as 'Rights for mums and dads!' and 'We hate you!'
Hedgehog convention - need to include highway code consultant for urgent advice on road crossings and exclude gypsies (allegedly keen on eating Hedgys).
Cider drinking convention - need to lock up Hoppy - again! Well he does like that sort of thing!
West Country Highland Games convention incorporating main event of 'Toss the Dachshund' - background information indicates uncertainty as to whether Dacky the Dachshund bit Scotsman after suggestion or before.
Taxidermy convention - popular staff member Dacky the Dachshund again subject of interest for suggested main event 'Stuff the Dachshund'. Background unknown - but suggestion slip delightfully speckled with little blobs of red.
Please put your ideas for marketing Cafe Hopcott to particular groups and ideas for short break weekends below as comments.
Free virtual weekends of hugs and bush trimming for the best ideas :-)
Report ends
This short humorous sketch about chuckle and laughter risk analysis for Cafe Hopcott, a strategic report on health and safety implications, is copyright online humor author Rob Hopcott 2008, all rights reserved.
All characters and places in this short humorous review are fictitious and no reference is intended to any person or organization, living or otherwise.
It's just a bit of a chuckle, a laugh, a corporate joke, you know, office humor, a bit funny haha, something vaguely resembling a stand up comedy, a humorous presentation or perhaps a tragedy!
Wot? You didn't laugh?
(Sniff)
Oh well, hugs are free - yippee :-(
44 comments:
Of couse yon 'toilets' are in bushes yon nancyboy. Tryest thou to put yon viking warrior in blouse and verily yon throat will be slit.
Do I have to repeatest myselt if yon Hopcott coverest over mine comment?
I sayeth, that toilets shouldest be in bushes you great nancyboy, and shouldest thou put blouses on viking warriors, then verily thou wilst get yon throat cut.
Love and hugs.
Love and hugs back, Viking Warrior :-)
I want viking warrior as a personal bodyguard at the parents convention (if there are any children that is). He sounds like he would do a great job of keeping troublesome teenagers and tormenting 10 year olds at bay allowing me to enjoy the weekend.
I think maybe a water based sort of weekend to try out the new swimming pool.
Viking Warrior comes very highly recommended.
Since he's been Chief Security Officer, we've had no trouble from coughs, sneezes, foot rot, lice, foot and mouth or even blue tongue.
However, I do get the occasional nightmare but that is only when Madame Hopcott is at home :-)
Mmmm, a weekend of 'water sports' - now that's an interesting thought!
We ALL want Viking Warrior.
Vikings in blouses? I thought they only wore Christian dior strapless. With a blood sword and shield over their shoulders.
Oooh I so want to see viking warrior in a nancyboy blouse. For us yanks, what is a nancyboy blouse? I have visions of lace and ruffles, am I close?
Very close. Pink or bright orange would be even better.
There is a nice picture of VW in a highly nancy-boy christmas outfit, somewhere on one of his posts.
As for the themed weekends, I'm all in favour of these. How about we invite The Society for Compulsive Washers -Up for a weekend of non-stop dish washing? We could throw in a free, state of the art washing up brush for each guest, and have some exciting classes such as 'Tea Towel Origami', 'Sink Plunging for Softies' and 'Secrets of Sensational Scouring.' Think how many more delicious dishes I could make with so much free time on my hands. I'm no fool you know.
Tomorrow's soup: Mock Hedgepig or Curried Apple?
Curried apple please.
MOCK hedgepig? What's wrong with the REAL kind?
uuoqgwmw is the word today... sounds like something Viking Warrior might croak out.
Yon ignorant readers of Hopcott, there art pictures of blouses where wither I have bloggeth.
Magdalene, you're no fool ... You're a genius.
Wonderful ideas :-)
Got here at last! Then I had to go and check out Viking Warrior... what a vein of hilarity I have struck here!
It sounds like it will have to be really big girl's blouse for yon Viking.
I have to confess I'm a little concerned about the elite focus on hedgehogs. Their cousins, the guinea pigs, which form part of the staple diet in Peru, Ecuador and other South American countries, are feeling more than badly done by. As it is, the BBC recently reported that "Scientists in Peru hope a new breed of guinea pig will convert the world to one of their favourite delicacies."
I seriously think you need to add Guinea Pig convention to your list of specialist themed weekends.
Welcome Vanilla, Lucy and Ex-Combe Martin.
Your exhalted presence indeed gratifies the mis-management of this humble country cafe and its esteemed regulars.
For your own safety, please check out the signs scattered around about over-indulging in laughter.
(Except during the hours of 0800 - 0900 when they are used for staff pike thrusting practice led by Viking Warrior.)
Disclaimer: The mis-management of this humble Cafe accept no responsibility for split sides, teeth falling out or blocked veins of humour - whereas, forthwith or otherwise as directed.
Well behaved pet organic animals or plants are welcome to run amok amongst the llamas, goats, dachshunds and ginny pigs - indeed amok running is very much encouraged.
(Quasi has a very amoky mind).
We are your humble slaves...
All abuse welcomed ...
The mis-management of Cafe Hopcott (R.I.P.)
Hi Rob - I tagged you! Come over and check it out. Hope you don't mind. Are you meant to tell people they're tagged or just wait for them to find out? Anyway, I told you. :-P
And mismanagement RIP? No No No! We need mismanagement! Going to check out viking warrior. Sounds like fun.
Ex-Shammy, I'm a vegetarian cook, despite everyone baying for the blood of anything that moves round here. I may just consider boiling Hoppy, though...
Was it Maalie who had disgusting pics of roast guinea pig on his site? Now that man really does eat some bizarre stuff!
My kinda swimming hole! Some day I'll showya mine.
You certainly are a prolific fellow, if nothing else. (That sounded like an insult but was not intended such)
I'll comment in a few days when I get through reading your blogs. . .
Welcome Goatman, it is an honour to have such a talented poet amongst this merry crew :-)
Mags Hoppy is now happily waiting on tenterhooks to be boiled...
He's well used to being roasted and boiling will make a nice change, he says, drooling with anticipation...
CrazyCath, I left a message on your site asking for details of the tagging.
Oooh, will it hurt a lot?
Ooh, will I have to reveal all?
Ooh!
BTW, reference Mags's being kind to everything except vegetables. I'd like to put in a word for photosynthetic creatures (er, plants!).
They, unlike Hoppy, have feelings too!
:-)
Ooh, but I am getting hungry...
Er, what's left to eat?
Er, I'm huuuuungry ....
But there's nothing left to eat!!!
Where have I gone wrong?
Cheffffeeeeeee ....
Look, you'll have to make do with leftover porridge til tomorrow. I'm busy getting pissed.
Where's my gin? Has Magdalene took it ALL? It is medicinal you know!
I hear the plants scream too. They have screamed to make your porridge Rob, so the least you can do is eat it!
I have left instructions on my comments about tagging as I understand it, but maybe Lorenzo or even Goatman would enlighten further than me as I have seen these creatures in the wild with coloured things on thier ears I believe are called "tags". Whether or not it is painful - well it did not hurt me, But then, I am not a llama, sheep or goat, only crazy.
Well hello! So this is where you are hiding! ;o) I didn't know where to go, you have such a prolific presence on the web! But I am glad to have found you here! My kind of humor!
Welcome Ello!
It's so good to see you here :-)
We really enjoyed hearing about your radical left wing mom too!
Like your mom, we have strong left leanings at Cafe Hopcott.
In fact the whole IT block has even more inclination than the Tower of Pizza.
It would probably fall over if it wasn't for Hoppy's beer cans piled up against the outside wall.
Quasi is getting especially excited about coming over to your site to see the Blue Picture Hoppy and I enjoyed so much yesterday.
Q is a devotee of the genre and really appreciates a good grown up movie.
Mags, thank goodness, leftover porridge - my favourite! Thank you cheffeeee :-)
GMJ, we love your farm, especially the Ghost building.
Is there any chance you could ship it over so we could upgrade our IT block?
If wee yon Magdalene thinkest that Maalie doth eateth strangeth foods, then wee Magdalene, cometh thou over to my hut and I wilst cooketh for thou.
Longboat killed cod goeth down a treat.
VW: Maalie cometh over to my place tomorrow! Shalt I give him lentils for tea?
Just stopped by to say COUGH COUGH COUGH .. how much I COUGH appreciated your comments COUGH
;-O
Useth thou handkerchief whence thou cough thou disgusting person that desireth the attention of Rob.
today's word: pilchard
Death by chocolate/cider weekend would make for a very pleasant stay indeed.
Location of loos negligible on list of requirements as long as cake is suitably chocolatey and cider strong:-)
Lane welcome to our humble abode :-)
May I recommend the friendly and companionably intimate Cafe Hopcott chocolate jacuzzi to accompany your choccy cake whilst sipping cider through a straw.
Followed by homemade cider brandy from our very own Cafe Hopcott still.
Your ecstasy is our pleasure :-)
Could be a bit crowded, though, the Fire Brigade same to check the fire alarms (silly people, we haven't got any) and keep coming back and bringing all their friends from the Fire Station ... And they looooove the chocolate Jacuzzi.
Apparently, they think Cafe Hopcott is a high fire risk and therefore we need to have a permanent fireman presence.
Naturally, I explained to them everything is organic but they didn't seem to be listening and made straight for the jacuzzi en mass.
Quasi loves their uniforms and keeps trying them on for size when they are in the jacuzzi which is most of the time.
So, I hope you don't mind death by chocolate in a jacuzzi with thirty young firemen.
Death by chocolate in a jacuzzi with 30 naked firemen?
I'm on my way! Get Viking Warrior to keep all peasants out.
And get the cider prised out of Hoppy's mits.
You didn't tell me you had a chocolate jacuzzi you rascal Rob you. If I'd known that you wouldn't have had to make moccha!
Poor Magdalene - away a few days. She don't know what she's missing! Anyway, I'll keep a couple of firemen warm for her. And some chocolate.
Way to go, CrazyCath :-)
Just been over to Magdalene to get reinforcements... only to find you have invited 957 escapees as well!!!
Well I'm sorry but that is tooooo much for only one nurse to handle. I have asked Magdalene to cancel her trip and get over asap. I am asking YOU to cancel the escapees! 30 firemen is quite enough to {ahem} "handle". Don't worry, I can manage it alone (real martyr) and will get help from Magdalene, but I refuse to think about never mind handle refugees.
Please don't spoil this chocolate moment for me. I know business is business and the escapees will probably feel very at home at Cafe Hopcott, but really, we have to take positive risk somewhere and try to drag the standards up slightly. No time like the present...
And take pity on the nurse. There'll be far more problems with 957 and chances of being sued than with 30 very (and I mean very) satisfied firemen and a nurse not demanding a pay rise too often..... {carrot dangling smile}
Er, I'm off to Venezuela to check out chocolate bean production with a view to upsizing Cafe Hopcott's en sweet facilities.
Don't worry, you're a nurse and used to coping with impossible situations.
Will be returning in 24 hours to see the blissful smile on your face :-)
Byeeeeee!
P.S. Hoppy has nipped down the local nurses home and told them about the free poolside party tonight. Hoppy says they are very keen on practicing their first aid and rescussitation techniques.
Quasi (who can't swim) has just jumped into the pool to show the escapees how to simulate drowning and appeal for help from the student nurses.
I'm sure it will all work out fine.
Anyway, I'm outta here ... Enjoy :-)
OK. You're a typical manager and I'm used to dealing with this!
PLAN:-
Hoppy - good call. Get round ALL nurses homes and get reinforcements. They are to take care of the escapees. They can practice various nursing techniques such as bathing (pool available), toileting (pots available), cleaning up sh*t and feeding. I'm sure there will also be an opportunity for first aid too.
Quasi - for Gawd's sake at least wait till the students are here before simulating drowning! What's that? You're not simulating? You ARE drowning? Then put your feet down you fool. Yes that's it. Well done. Now get dry and wait for the nurses. When they find out you're only knee deep remind them a person can drown in a teaspoon of water.
I'll look after the firemen. I know I know. It's a tough job but some one has to do it. And it has to be some one qualified and experienced and the only one here with that qualification is.... oh see! Short straw again. It's me.
And Rob - the least you can do is get loadsa coffee. I'm gonna need it. And an extra hug.
(Posted from Cyber Cafe Venezuela)
Large parcel of hugs in post, CrazyCath :-)
Can I have a gin jacuzzi?
Thank you for jugs. Lorenzo, you can have a gin jacuzzi if Rob fixes it up when he gets back providing you help keep the escapees away from the chocolate jacuzzi with firemen...
Thanks.
Rob - I meant thank you for hugs.
HUGS!!!!!
It was definitely a typo. I have enough jugs.... ;0)
just stopping by to say hello and to thank you for your gracious invitation to your cafe. thank you dear sir.
Merelyme, great to see you here :-)
Hi all, thanks for keeping things going while I've been away and I hope you enjoyed the party.
Another day and another doughnut, as they say :-)
It seems the media are now alleging
Quasi is actually a ghost
A fantastic blog, rob. Really. So many comments I would love to make, but just don't know where to begin. There's enough material in one post to keep the soul soaring for days. You may be sure I shall return - if only to try picking up a few tips. Thanks.
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