Cafe Hopcott Strategic Staffing and Senior Officer Transport Review, Recommendations and Job Vacancies by humorous sketch writer Rob Hopcott

Executive Summary - Staffing and Transport at Cafe Hopcott

An in depth review of staffing at Cafe Hopcott, initiated following complaints by customers who said they laughed so much they became ill, has identified the need for an immediate, urgent and radical strengthening of the corporate staffing structure.

A review of Transport requirements was indicated following Rob's late attendance at Spring Confederation of UK Industry Conference due to corporate gearing issues (camper van jammed in second - two days late).

Transport corrective action taken under Executive Discretion - minute 32 - 'Ongoing Crisis Measures'

An executive limousine has now been identified for use by the Directors when attending Industry Conferences. Credit following detailed and extensive market research by Corporate Strategy. (See study entitled 'Know the Expense Spared - A Hoppy Guide to Off Cuff Decision Making' - picture on right.)

Staffing Background

Alternative solutions to staff strengthening have been considered and thanks to those who participated in the staff suggestion scheme.

It was thought the suggestion of 'running complaining customers through with a pikestaff' was perhaps not the ideal solution and would probably contravene some clause in Health and Safety.

Similarly, 'Get the b****** so smashed they won't know difference' was thought insensitive to the toddlers using the climbing frame (disused Ballista).

Top Down, Outsourcing and Belly Up Issues - more detailed research

Transcribed from audio recording of interview with Magdalene, Head Chef (Veggie).

We have this problem with Dacky !

When he is supposed to say:

"Good morning, how are you madame?" in a sweet and inviting way, he just says

"Woof!"

Frankly, the customers don't understand.

They just pat Dacky on the head and go off to admire that awful pill box building you call Head Office instead of buying some of my lovely herbal cups of tea.

The other member of our staff who desperately needs help is that idiot Hoppy whose speech is so slurred somebody thought he was offering them Border Collie and Peas when it was really suggesting Cauliflower Cheese!

I ask you?

(Interview terminated following plates thrown at interviewer.)

Staffing Issues Causation

(a) Suggestions that Dacky may indeed, in reality, be a dog have been discounted after an interview with Madame Hopcott (transcribed from audio recording).

Dacky est mon petite minou, my little lover. 'E eez my little treasure, my life, mon courage, mon brave.

(b) Investigation took place into the alleged connection between Hoppy's slurred speech and a big barrel of Somerset Scrumpy Cider at the back of the Cafe.

When interviewed, (recording subsequently destroyed over night by persons unknown - report written from interviewer's napkin notes), staff member Hoppy made a strong denial claiming to be completely tea-total - and considering Holy Orders.

Further investigation using a web cam to monitor the barrel of cider to identify utilisation was frustrated by a cracked camera lens following early morning training in sling shot and pikes which became disorganised under the direction of the Corporate Security Officer.

Head of Corporate Security proved subsequently to be unavailable for interview due to urgent secondment to couselling duties. It has come to the attention of HR that Q. and his new friend A Hedgehog appear to be forming an unfortunate relationship, contrary to Standing Orders. (Note: possible harassment issues - check with Legal)

Recommendations

Immediate appointment of an in-house Speech Therapist to work with Hoppy and Dacky to improve verbal management discontinuity issues (salary negotiable within range two to three hugs a day).

Confirmation of purchase of Senior Staff Limousine and special praises to be entered into responsible staff member's employee record.

Report Ends

This short humorous sketch about strategic staffing and senior officer transport review, recommendations and job vacancies is copyright Rob Hopcott 2008, all rights reserved.

All characters and places in this short staffing and senior officer transport review, recommendations and job vacancies humor story are really very fictitious (except Magdalene who, apparently, is not a figment of my imagination - she says, but do I believe her?) and no reference is intended to any person or organization, living or otherwise.

No ownership over assets in photographs is claimed - please, I'm not reponsible.

It's just a bit of a staffing and corporate transport joke, you know, office humor, a bit funny haha, something vaguely resembling a stand up comedy, a humorous presentation or perhaps a haiku ... Please don't sue me ... Anyway, I'm skint so ya boo! :-)

"Whoopee Hugs are free!"